Keep a 500 lb animal in a cage all day for months at a time and you're sure to face the consequences. My mom still refuses to make pancakes for me.

Beat it like you stole it. A mantra every single man should live by.

Handcuffed, in a cage, at the zoo AND forced to eat the flag of your rivals? Someone finally did something SAW didn't.

Going out on disability is hard. Now imagine how much harder it is when the only pussy you've touched in 3 years left scar tissue behind.

We'd make some crude comments about giant angry pussy but it seems enough mental scars for life have been accomplished here already. Quota achieved.

People being mauled by animals with razor sharp teeth is no laughing matter. But we're talking about a guy that's wasted enough to drink his own piss, so it's hilarious.

Remember folks, this is exactly how Kim Kardashian got famous. Never forget that.

Note to self: Things that shit on the ground should always be kept at a 30 yards or more distance. That's why my mom sleeps in the shed.

Ke$ha called. She said thanks for making sex with her finally look like an upgrade to something.

At what point in history did lions ask to be kept in captivity and used to entertain fat middle aged women? They're not Donny Osmond.

At $20/pound he should have learned how to jump higher than that if he was planning to go awol.

Oh sure it's funny now, but when my uncle does it all of a sudden he's on a sexual predator website?