Face it - fair fights are a rare commodity these days. Even if they do involve someone trying to make you digest their knee cap.

The possibility of an ant colony seeking refuge in an open orifice has always detoured me from sex in the woods. She's making me think twice about that.

Just once I'd like this to happen when I decide physical energy will be exerted outside of ordering a pizza. Is that really so much to fucking ask for?

Nothing special here - just her average weekday afternoon in July. Which is better than every Friday night I've had for the past decade combined. FML.

If her ass could talk, oh the stories it would tell us. And the emergency phone numbers it would ask for in it's last agonizing breaths. What WON'T she fuck?

Social networking can get as advanced as it wants. But nothing will make you tweet all over yourself faster today than watching her tits attempt to fight gravity.

Personally I've never had an inanimate object pierce through areas near vital organs . But if my mom's therapy bills are any indication, it sucks. A whole lot.

There's no type of collision here. So if you're looking for arm ripping, insurance spiking, solidified reasons to never leave your computer chair - search elsewhere.

His time in the bat cave wasn't long but he made progress. And when you're dealing with a girl who's anus will inevitably flap in the breeze, that's worth it.

She's got the best tits money can buy, but it's that naturally tight v-hole and dirty mind that set her apart from the rest. I'd hire her for my birthday party.

I personally thought the Friday the 13th remake was quite good. But if a colon punch is added to his list of finishing moves in the sequel I think we're talking Academy Award here.

Right, wrong - who cares? When you're tasting the juices from this peach it would take an entire SWAT team to stop. Girl's got a lethal weapon down there.

Shameless? Yes. But when you got Eminem Jr. stealing all the swag in your shithole backwoods town, you gotta think outside the box.

Most 19-year-olds in exclusive relationships take the initiative to rent an apartment and let the libido fly. Not them. They're a pair of tree hugging fuckers.

This is what awaits you if you choose to pick up a skoal habit in middle school.

ShooshTime tip of the day: Never play with topless guys in the wood. Nothing good ever comes of it. Nothing.