Boom! Short bus!

Lack of upper body strength and proper center of gravity: Just two of the negatives to having 37% body fat. Also, your blood smells like butter.

This is quite possibly the most amazing attempt at getting high to ever grace my computer monitor. And that's coming from a guy that's seen documentaries on Thailand. I matter.

Asian girl, open water - but no octopus? Who the fuck directed this Japanese porn?

Unnecessarily smash my dick with a bat and you'll feel the kind of wrath cholesterol and high blood pressure could only dream of doing to you. Bitch.

Whether it's overreacting to playful activity or spelling the word "YALE" with a 6, you can always count on the kid from Newark.

Way to take dinner out of her boyfriend's mouth. Asshole.

When you go on Asianbrides.com and one of the girls is marked 30% off, it usually means she's been subjected to treatment like this. So... go ahead and supersize that order.

Quinniki is about as good a horticulturist as she is at spelling that word without Internet access. But when it comes to water gun fights, she's a fuckin pro.

Put this many wife beaters and ego in the same place for too long, and at least one vagina is bound to go home bruised that night. Guaranteed.

Last time I saw someone dive into uncharted waters with dreadlocks that fierce, he was hunting Arnold Schwarzenegger. And didn't act like there was an anchor attached to his nuts.

Cockiness isn't the best trait to have if you fight like him. It's sorta like a deer walking up to a hunter in the woods and handing him a loaded shotgun.

That's right. His anger arose from getting wet. While already in a pool. Reasoning with black men has officially become more pointless than a Kardashian marriage.

Congratulations, you just won a pearl necklace! Contact me for details.

Truth is she had no reason doing this at all. Semi-fuckable girls sending themselves to the hospital while trying to showoff is a lost art form.

Give a retard a dirtbike, and you'll have fun for a day. But forget to teach him how to use the brake and you'll have fun long after he overdoses on cat litter.

People being mauled by animals with razor sharp teeth is no laughing matter. But we're talking about a guy that's wasted enough to drink his own piss, so it's hilarious.

Hopefully the driver is a big ShooshTime fan and sees this. Pinpointing the exact moment your diarrhea hit 63 MPH is a great way to end the day.

When you see just how quickly they work to save this guy's life, you might actually grow compassion for human beings again. No, really.